The Grief We Don’t Talk About: Homicide
The Grief We Don’t Talk About: Homicide
When someone dies, grief naturally follows. However, when that loss is the result of homicide, the experience of grief becomes more complex, shocking, and traumatic. This type of grief can often be more complicated than the loss of an illness, because the “why it happened” is always due to a third party person. Questions about safety, meaning, and justice frequently arise after a homicide. While homicide rates have been steadily on the decline in the USA since 2020, more research and evidence-based crime reduction strategies are still needed. Grief related to homicide is a different type of grief that the survivors are left to manage, cope with, and try to understand.
Racial Inequities with Victims of Homicide
It would be remiss to not discuss the racial inequities related to homicide. As of 2023, black Americans are victims of homicide almost 56% of the time, while men make up almost 80% of homicide victims. Native American women are reported missing at a startling rate and are severely underreported by the United States Department of Justice. The third most common way for Native women to die is by homicide. In these communities, support systems may be stretched thin or nonexistent, and the legal system may be less responsive if at all. In many cases, families of victims, particularly from non-white communities, must fight to have their loved one’s death or disappearance taken seriously. This added struggle creates another layer of trauma: the grief of being ignored or devalued by society.
The Complicated Emotions
Those grieving a homicide often feel a tangled web of emotions. This type of grief is tragic, unimaginable, horrific, and a crime all at the same time.
Rage: It's not uncommon for the survivors to feel overwhelming anger; not only at the perpetrator but at the legal system, society, and sometimes even the victim.
Guilt: Survivors may struggle with guilt of not protecting the person or feeling like they missed warning signs. Others feel survivors' guilt, questioning why they are alive while their loved one is not.
Fear: Especially in cases where the perpetrator is not apprehended, survivors may live in ongoing fear for their safety or that of others close to them.
Isolation and Withdrawal: People who have lost their loved ones to natural causes may not understand all of the complexities related to loss from homicide. This unique and horrible experience can lead to increased withdrawal from society, especially depending on how society supports the survivors.
Trauma and the Justice System
Survivors of homicide often develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). This can include flashbacks, nightmares, emotional numbness, and a racing heartbeat. Even if the survivor did not witness the murder, learning about the details, or lack thereof, especially through news reports, court proceedings, or police investigation, can be traumatizing. Research has shown that lengthy investigations and trials, and media coverage can cause further re-traumatization. This can be due to the legal process often being called long, invasive, and emotionally exhausting. This can often feel like survivors must relive this horrible experience multiple times over.
Furthermore, the legal system doesn't always bring peace. A guilty verdict doesn’t bring back a loved one. Some survivors describe feeling emptier after the conviction, having poured all their energy into the legal process, only to find that it didn’t heal the wound left by their loved one’s death. Other survivors are left with the unsettled feeling when the perpetrator is never found. This brings a different type of complexity to an already difficult experience.
Social Stigma and Silence
Another unique aspect of grieving a homicide is the societal response, or lack thereof. While many people rally around someone who loses a loved one to illness or accident, the grief of a homicide survivor can be met with discomfort or silence. Some people avoid the topic altogether, afraid of saying the ‘wrong thing.’
There's often a societal stigma around murder that can isolate survivors. Some feel judged or misunderstood by their communities, as if the victim's death reflects badly on the family. In some cases, survivors even face judgment or insinuation, especially if the victim was involved in risky behavior. These judgments, spoken or unspoken, can leave families feeling blamed, unsupported, and invisible.
The Long Road of Healing
Time does not always heal all wounds, but it can soften the sharp edges of pain. Healing after homicide is a long, winding road. The goal is not to “get over” the loss, but to learn to live alongside it. Grief from homicide never really ends, it evolves. Survivors may come to carry it more quietly, and with more grace, but the loss remains. What can change is their relationship to that absence: from raw despair to solemn remembrance, and sometimes to meaningful action.
By acknowledging their pain, offering support, and confronting the roots of violence in society, we can create a world where grief is met with compassion, and perhaps, where fewer lives are stolen to begin with.
